COURTSHIP IS NOT MARRIAGE
Lady Anetekhai A.O.
Courtship is a very important moment or period in the life of young people who feel called to marriage as a vocation. It can be a very exciting moment indeed in their lives; a moment full of dreams, intimacy, fantasy, etc.
Courtship means different things to different people. To some, it is a moment of genuine search for the “Miss Right” or “Mr. Right” in the lives of young people, towards the call to the holy vocation of marriage. It is a moment of intimacy and formation for the intending couple, therefore, courtship is not marriage. Marriage on the other hand is a holy union between a man and a woman and in the Catholic view, it is a vocation in which the husband (man) and wife (woman) by their life together, can help each other to better arrive at holiness of life.
Uzor in Gidado (2005) put it even better when he defines courtship as
“The time a man gets closer to a girl he intends to marry. And the girl also gets closer to a man she intends to marry”.
This kind of relationship and period of formation is meant to help them know each other fairly well and to understand what marriage is all about whether they are compatible or not before getting married.
Courtship is a delicate period. It is important that involved people should consult God in prayer about what they are going into. They need God's wisdom to guide them in their choice of a future life partner.
Erroneously, courtship to some is a moment of romance, satisfaction of one's emotional needs, exploration of “no go” areas (sex).
FACTORS TO CONSIDER IN THE CHOICE OF A PARTNER
The Lord desires His servants to preserve their holy and peculiar character. Never should God's people venture upon "forbidden ground". Marriage between believers and unbelievers is forbidden by God. But too often, the unconverted heart follows its own desires, and marriage unsanctioned by God is formed. Because of this, many men and women are without hope and without God in the world. Listen to the Lord: II Corinthians 6:14-18:
“Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers, for what fellowship has righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? And what communion has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the living God. As God has said: I will dwell in them and walk among them I will be their God and they shall be my people”
Therefore, “Come out from among them and be separate, says the Lord. Do not touch what is unclean, And I will be a father to you, And you shall be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.
Great care should be taken by Christian youths in the formation of friendships and in the choice of companions. Take heed, lest what you now think to be pure Gold turns out to be base metal.
Young people equally need the guidance, prayers and assistance of their parents, marriage educators, Priests, etc during this stage of discernment process.
It is sad to note that young people get into courtship without knowing what it is all about. That is why many do not get the most out of it.
Courtship is a moment of initial formation for marriage. It is not marriage, which as earlier said is a holy union between a husband and wife.
The young persons intending to marry must use this time to educate themselves on what marriage is all about; its meaning, purpose, objectives, joys, challenges, responsibilities, etc. According to Gidado, (2005) it is also a time for prospective couple to test their capability for such a vocation by asking themselves some vital questions such as: Am I really called to a vocation of marriage? Am I physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially ready to embrace marriage?
Physical Fitness: Persons called to vocation of marriage must be healthy and strong enough to courageously embrace the responsibilities and challenges of marriage.
Economic Fitness: People getting into marriage should be economically viable to enable them cater for their needs. They need to have some educational qualification or trade that will make them economically liable. People who marry without being economically fit often fall back on their parents, friends, or colleagues in order to make ends meet. Such people will end up living a stressful married life because they cannot go on begging for life. They need a certain degree of economic autonomy for their sanity and happiness as a couple.
Spiritual Fitness: Spiritual maturity has to do with the ability to establish and maintain a personal relationship with God on which to build your marriage. Such a relationship can help to cultivate some good spiritual values such as thoughtfulness, kindness and trust in divine providence, being always hopeful and optimistic. These qualities will make it easier for you and your partner to live a meaningful and stable married life (cf. Rom 12:1-2; Gal. 5:22-23).
Other temporal values such as beauty, money, charm, social status on which many people base their assessment of a life partner can fail but the above spiritual qualities are everlasting.
Emotional fitness: This is the ability to express emotions appropriately. You need to show affection and care deeply for your proposed spouse and others, face stressful or crisis situations bravely and not wallowing in self-pity at all time.
As you examine yourself using the above questions, strengthen what is good in you and overcome what seems to be weakness that could negatively affect your married life.
Courtship is the time to work at developing some basic qualities that can become the foundation upon which your marriage will be built.
A certain level of maturity in its various dimensions is required, the ability to make and keep commitment, fidelity, courage and the ability to communicate well.
Courtship can be viewed as a journey of discovery in which the intending couples get to know each other's likes and dislikes; temperaments, character, personality, hobbies, strengths, and weaknesses, talents, etc. Time of courtship is good for young people preparing for marriage but can be dangerous if it is not well handled.
Courtship is not marriage, only married couples have right to conjugal sexual life i.e. mutual giving and acceptance of each other's body for the purpose of building up the conjugal community. Carnal intercourse is at the centre of the marriage contract or covenant.
The consummation must be done in a humane way, that is, not with force, fear or induced by drugs or other means against one's will. Sexual activity in marriage has of its nature two principal ends - namely: procreation, and the perfection of the couple themselves in love, peace, unity, communication, enrichment and so forth. So sexual activity in marriage, unlike during courtship is licit and honest provided it is ordered stated above (Mba, 1997). Hear the Lord: read Rom. 12:1-2:
“I besearch you therefore brethren, by the mercies of God that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world; but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect will of God.
Do not allow satan to truncate your destiny, and thus bringing innocent children into existence to share your misery with accumulating wretchedness, from generation to generation.
Those who are contemplating marriage should consider what will be the character and influence of the home they are founding; whether their offspring will possess physical health, mental and moral strength. They should realize that responsibility rests upon them in marriage relation further than this.
If those who chose to enter the marriage relation without due consideration were alone to be the sufferers, then the evil would not be so great and their sin would be comparatively small. But the misery arising from unhappy marriages is felt by the offspring of such unions. They have entailed upon their offspring, life of living misery who though innocent, suffer the consequences of their parents' inconsiderate course.

QUALITIES TO BE SOUGHT IN A PROSPECTIVE WIFE
Let a young man seek one to stand by his side who is fitted to bear her share of life's burdens, one whose influence will enable and refine him, and who will make him happy in her love. cf. Proverbs 31:11; 12:26-28.
QUALITIES TO BE SOUGHT IN A PROSPECTIVE HUSBAND
Let a young woman accept as a life companion only one who possess pure, manly traits of character, one who is diligent, aspiring and honest, one who loves and fears God.
The woman who desires a peaceful happy union, who would escape future misery and sorrow, inquires before she yields her affections. What has been his past record? Is his life pure? Is the love which he expresses of a noble character or is it a mere emotional fondness? Can she find true peace and joy in his affection? Will she be allowed to preserve her individuality or must her judgment and conscience be subjected to the control of her husband. Will this union increase my love for God?
Conclusively, in courtship take God and your God fearing parents into your counsel, young friends, pray over the matter, weigh … every sentiment and watch every development of character in the one with whom you think to link your life destiny. Realize that the step you are about to take is one of the most important in your life; and should not be taken hastily. While you may love, do not love blindly.
Even if an engagement has been entered into without a full understanding of the character of the one with whom you intend to unite, do not think that the engagement makes it a positive necessity for you to take upon yourself the marriage vow, and link yourself for life to one whom you cannot love and respect. Be very careful how you enter into conditional engagements, but better, far better break the engagement before marriage than separate afterwards, as many do.
The Roman Catholic Church is totally opposed to people cohabiting (living together without being married). Sexual intercourse outside of a marriage is a serious sin and couples who sin in this way cannot receive communion in Church. My young brothers and sisters from the above discussion, I believe that comfortably, we can agree that courtship is not marriage. May God bless and direct you in the choice of a future life partner.